If you get a rejection letter from a company, it's good to let them know that you appreciate the opportunity even though you weren't chosen!
Dear Heartless Fuck,
Thanks so much for taking the time to let me know you've chosen another candidate for this position. While I remain certain that I would have been the best choice for this job, I understand that not everyone sees everything the way I do. Any number of reasons for my not being chosen are totally plausible, including your being drunk, the other candidate offering you sex, or even some sort of egregious clerical error. Whatever it is, please know that I'm appreciative of the opportunity to come in for three pointless interviews and to have met with you and your obviously brain-dead hiring team.
As you sit perched on your throne of employment, I'm writing to you from the peasant slums of some goddamn library where I can assure you that as bad as your secretary, Linda, smells of cigarettes and apathy, the homeless person three seats down who I'm certain just peed into his own hand definitely wins. But life isn't a contest, neither for jobs nor for odors, so let's stop pretending there's any rhyme or reason to any of this. Life is an arid wasteland where the only race that matters is the one to the grave.
The more I think on this, the more I realize you've done me an immeasurable favor. You've finally proven to me what I've suspected is true about this fetid society for so long. You've shown me I have no place here. You've shown me that intellect and reason are relics of a long-dead era, and the only currency worth anything here is the cheap, momentary thrill of another's body. Would that I could twerk my way into employment, but I wasn't blessed with the inability to feel shame.
Take care, and please don't hesitate to consider me for any future openings at your firm.
Sincerely,
(Full name, followed by [birthday] dash [today's date])
No comments:
Post a Comment