Keeping them Bridges Good and Unburnt

If you get a rejection letter from a company, it's good to let them know that you appreciate the opportunity even though you weren't chosen!

Dear Heartless Fuck,

Thanks so much for taking the time to let me know you've chosen another candidate for this position. While I remain certain that I would have been the best choice for this job, I understand that not everyone sees everything the way I do. Any number of reasons for my not being chosen are totally plausible, including your being drunk, the other candidate offering you sex, or even some sort of egregious clerical error. Whatever it is, please know that I'm appreciative of the opportunity to come in for three pointless interviews and to have met with you and your obviously brain-dead hiring team.

As you sit perched on your throne of employment, I'm writing to you from the peasant slums of some goddamn library where I can assure you that as bad as your secretary, Linda, smells of cigarettes and apathy, the homeless person three seats down who I'm certain just peed into his own hand definitely wins. But life isn't a contest, neither for jobs nor for odors, so let's stop pretending there's any rhyme or reason to any of this. Life is an arid wasteland where the only race that matters is the one to the grave.

The more I think on this, the more I realize you've done me an immeasurable favor. You've finally proven to me what I've suspected is true about this fetid society for so long. You've shown me I have no place here. You've shown me that intellect and reason are relics of a long-dead era, and the only currency worth anything here is the cheap, momentary thrill of another's body. Would that I could twerk my way into employment, but I wasn't blessed with the inability to feel shame.

Take care, and please don't hesitate to consider me for any future openings at your firm.

Sincerely,

(Full name, followed by [birthday] dash [today's date])

Jobs at Disneyland

If you want to work for a top-end entertainment provider like Disney, you have to make sure you underline your relevant skill sets and interests!

Dear Childhood Happiness Creator,

It's been a lifelong dream of mine to work at the happiest place on Earth, Disneyland. I've dreamed this dream for years, ever since I could picture myself surrounded by small children of all kinds, with varying levels of parental supervision, eager for the helping hand of an authority figure in a recognizable character costume.

I had a couple of questions about the opportunity that I hope can be answered as we progress in the interview process. How many children, on average, could I expect to be responsible for guiding through the park in a given day? What sorts of children do you usually attract (i.e. height, weight, sex, socioeconomic status, etc.)? How many children are strawberry blonde, generally? On a scale of 1 to 10, how litigious is Disneyland? On a scale of 1 to 10, how much importance do you place on background investigations? If you could use one word to describe the general attitude of children at Disneyland, would that word be "blabbermouth"? Do you match my 401k contributions?

I look forward to hearing from you and beginning my new life in this new city.

Best,
(First name only)

Fun Cover Letters for Fun Jobs

Hey Bitch! [or Man-Bitch, if you know the gender]

I was bored at work and sick of looking at porn, so I decided to go on Monster. And looky what I found! This job sounds fucking tiiiiight. I read through the description and the requirements and I was like Woah, this is basically exactly me, except for one or two things which I could learn or get someone else to do.

Then I looked at your website, and even though it looks pretty 90s (MS Paint anyone? lol), I think you guys got a pretty good thing going over there. Some of the employee pictures are super hot (some are ratchet, too, tbh) and while that's not the number one thing you look for in a job, it's probably 2.

Send me a snap chat of your tits [or man-tits if you know the gender] and we can get this fucking party going.

Lates,
(Your nickname)

Cover letter 1

Dear Mr. Employer,

I saw your posting on Craigslist for a person to work Administration at your company. I am the right person for this job!!! I have definitely heard of computer technologies. Sometimes I use them even. They are my favorite, next to my iPhone (5, lol, only the best for me and therefore you, cuz I am the best).

I can type and do all those things you asked for in your job description.

Attached is a picture of my face.

Thanks,

[your name here] (type your name in there and then delete these instructions)

Them Jobs at Google

When applying for a job at Google, you want to present your absolute A-Game. Here's a good example:

Dear Googles (in case more than one read it),

Several years ago, I began my battle with crippling hypochondria. I was sure I had everything, from lupus to AIDS to Feline AIDS. No amount of evidence or rationality could get me to see that I was inventing all of this, and that there was no real reason to think I had any disease at all. It was all in my head.

Or was it?

Type any symptom you might have into the Google search engine, and see what you come up with. Go ahead. Do you have a headache? Maybe a small cut that hasn't healed in two days. Type that in to the Google algorithm and see how many pages you have to go through until you find cancer and meningitis. Spoiler alert: not a lot. It's right there in the beginning. Maybe not the first result, but you get my meaning.

You did this to me, Google. Every day I've spent pacing my house with a thermometer in my mouth, head reeling at the thought of wasting away into the void, alone, in a hospital room that smells like death and regret, that was because you served it to me in a search result.

You did this to me, Google.

Attached, please find my resume and list of references. Feel free to contact me if you have any questions.

Best,

(Your Name)